Friday, 9 May 2008

What I want

Over the last three years I've had to let go of a lot of comforting ideas I used to have about the way the world works. For example, I used to believe that if I looked deep - very deep - inside myself then I would know what I want and what is right for me. It turns out that that isn't the case. For the last three years I've been looking deep within myself and I'm still entirely confused about whether I should be trying to have another baby or not. In my rational mind I'm sure that I shouldn't. There are a hundred arguments which I use to support that idea. I'm not a natural mother anyway, I have other things I want to do with my life, the chances of me having another live baby are too small to take the risk, I already have one beautiful son and that is enough, I have moral problems with the whole process of IVF ...... Yes, my rational mind knows quite well that I shouldn't try to have another child. But there's some other part of me which just won't listen and goes on and on and on clammering for another child. That part of me is in some deep and primeaval place and operates at some level far below (or above?) my rational mind. One day the rational part of my mind is in control, the next day the primeaval baby urge takes over. But which of these people is the real me? Any guesses?

5 comments:

Melissia said...

Couldn't both of those people be you and just different possibilities for your life? I once had a therapist who said that every decision is usually 49% vs 51% then 50/50 then 51% to 49% and back again, especially the decisions that have the power to cause pain or the decisions that really aren't within our control. My guess is that this indecision is a way to protect ourselves until in retrospect we can say "that was the right decision".

Alice said...

I think that's very wise advice. Thank you. Alice

Tash said...

I'm going through the same dilemma. Let me know when you figure it out and I'll know which voice to listen to.

Melissia said...

Alice, boy, that does sound like good assvice doesn't it? I'm not sure it helps makes any decisions however. It does make me feel a little less stressed when I can't come to to any decision. I realize that I am just shifting the scales back and forth. I also once heard someone say that people who say that that fell in love at first sight always said so retrospectively, and that perhaps if they did not still love that person they would not consider that they had fallen in love at first sight. I thought this was perhaps a lot like decision making, really only in retrospect, can we be the type of people who say I always know the right the thing to do. At least for me that is the case. But, actually, I do believe in love at first sight. I got married 6 weeks after I met my husband, I was a college freshman, he was a Navy officer and we have been married 26 years. Call me a romantic, but I am still horrible at decision making!
I hope your upcoming transfer goes well and without problems. I will be thinking of you.

Dizzy said...

Hello Alice
I am a friend of Honey.
I have been there with the rational brain telling me to give up, while the rest of me wanted to keep on trying.
I'm sure there is a set of labels for all that - id v ego, or somesuch Latin phrase. Whatever it is, it's normal - not that that makes it any easier to deal with!
Diz