Wednesday, 29 June 2011
I have taken care not to count the weeks of this surrogate pregnancy too carefully. Last week I sort of knew that it was the twenty fourth week - but I was careful not to know. Or at least until Thursday. Then on Thursday I suddenly felt the urge to get the calendar out and check exactly. Twenty four weeks. Laura was twenty four weeks when she died. It's OK - but I just want to type that here. Twenty four weeks. I know that because Laura died at twenty four weeks that doesn't mean that Hope will die now - or any other time. But still - twenty four weeks. I just need to register the fact. I said that to my husband and then I said, 'So we really start to know what we have to lose now.' And he agreed. It's sad in a way that, for us, Hope is measured by what her loss would mean. Or maybe it's not sad. Maybe everything should be measured in that way.
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
Our surrogate Mum had her twenty week scan and everything seems to be fine. Or more or less. Apparently they couldn't scan her heart properly as she wasn't positioned at the right angle. So our surrogate Mum has to go back for another scan. I'm assured that this isn't a problem and I'm managing to believe that most the time! We have also been sent scan photos. My husband has looked at them and he could definitely see a face, a nose, a chin. He was thrilled. I have to say that I haven't looked yet. I just can't. I promised myself after the second miscarriage that I'd never look at one of those scan photos again. I know that it is time to ditch that promise but I just can't do it for the moment. The time will come, I'm sure. The problem is that once I see Hope then I'll know just how much I have to lose. That makes it sound as though I'm in a really morbid frame of mind - but I'm not. I'm generally fine. But I just find scan photos difficult.