Sunday, 19 October 2008

On coping

I have an old friend who had a still birth and miscarriages (although she does now have three live children). She and I were at school together but we hadn't really kept in touch. But when she heard about Laura's death she called me up and was really kind. It was like talking to someone I know really well although actually we hadn't spoken in fifteen years. She said two things which I remember. Firstly, I said, 'I don't feel like I'm coping very well.' She said, 'You know what? The verb to cope should never be followed by an adverb. There is no such thing as coping well or coping badly. It's just coping - that's all. If you get through the day then that is enough.' We also talked about the difference between a miscarriage and a still birth. We agreed that the latter is very much worse than the former but then she said, 'You know the truth is that there aren't any easy ways to lose a baby.' So very true. I don't know why I think of those things now. Perhaps just because I'm grateful to her. Having said that, she hasn't been in touch again over the last two years. Probably she guesses that I never had another child and she feels embarrassed / guilty because at least, for her, there was (a partial) happy ending. Oh well, I don't mind. At least she tried her best to help at the time - which is more than can be said for a lot of people.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Serial Rescuer II

I suppose that I'm interested in this Serial Rescuer question because I think that it is linked, very loosely, to women who have still births (and perhaps others who suffer awful disasters). One of the theories about Serial Rescuers is, I believe, that they endlessly give out what they hope to receive. For me, this explanation makes sense. I say that because I know that recently I went out a big Salvation Mission. A friend of mine, who has also lost a baby, went on a similar Mission as well. We laugh together now about our experiences - although only because if we didn't laugh then we would cry. I think that for both of us the motivation was the same. It went like this: I've just been through a terrible experience and I didn't receive proper help and support and so now I'm going to ensure that nobody else is left in that situation ....... But the point is that both my friend and I decided to save people who couldn't be saved. And both of us wore ourselves out trying and trying and trying ...... And we both admit now that we didn't like the people we tried to save! But at the time we simply refused to admit that maybe those people were simply not worth the trouble. For both of us these Salvation Missions finished up being deeply bruising experiences. Well at least we can laugh and comfort each other by analysing how we could have been quite so stupid ..... Perhaps a Salvation Mission of this kind is just one of the many distractions you get yourself into when you've lost a baby ..... And at the end of it, and all those other high-ways and by-ways your shamble down in your grief, you are always forced back on the knowledge that your baby remains just as dead as he / she always was ......