Sunday 19 October 2008
On coping
I have an old friend who had a still birth and miscarriages (although she does now have three live children). She and I were at school together but we hadn't really kept in touch. But when she heard about Laura's death she called me up and was really kind. It was like talking to someone I know really well although actually we hadn't spoken in fifteen years. She said two things which I remember. Firstly, I said, 'I don't feel like I'm coping very well.' She said, 'You know what? The verb to cope should never be followed by an adverb. There is no such thing as coping well or coping badly. It's just coping - that's all. If you get through the day then that is enough.' We also talked about the difference between a miscarriage and a still birth. We agreed that the latter is very much worse than the former but then she said, 'You know the truth is that there aren't any easy ways to lose a baby.' So very true. I don't know why I think of those things now. Perhaps just because I'm grateful to her. Having said that, she hasn't been in touch again over the last two years. Probably she guesses that I never had another child and she feels embarrassed / guilty because at least, for her, there was (a partial) happy ending. Oh well, I don't mind. At least she tried her best to help at the time - which is more than can be said for a lot of people.
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2 comments:
"The verb to cope should never be followed by an adverb. There is no such thing as coping well or coping badly. It's just coping - that's all."
That? Is brilliant. I may have to steal that. Or at least write about it. How true.
I've been mulling for over a year now as to how to put my miscarriage and my daughter's death in little, discrete neat boxes and describe the similarities and differences in some profound fashion. And obviously haven't been able to, yet. I rather see them as rest stops on the same highway -- different places, different feelings, different needs afterwards, but the same road. It's all difficult, this.
I feel the same way, about my miscarriages being easier than the stillbirth I experienced. And, if I'm being honest, there was nothing really easy at all about the miscarriages.
In the end, I think your friend is right: There is no easy way to lose a baby. Seems to me there are no clear winners when it comes to the loss of a child.
It's too bad you did not remain in touch. Do you wish you had?
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