Sunday 2 November 2008

Dropping things ....

For the past few months, every day has been full to the brim because of moving. That has suited me. No time to think. And the days are still very full ..... But I'm not coping with all this any more. Today I burst into tears four of five times. Each time it's because of something stupid. The fire won't light because the logs are wet, a drawer jams and I start thumping it wildly to force it shut, I try to lift something down from a shelf and a load of other things fall down on top of me .... and then I start crying. I have to stop this because of my son. He's lovely to me, full of cuddles and hugs but it is really, really wrong that a six year old should have to provide comfort to an adult. My husband is in the house but he tries to ignore what is happening. The other problem is that I have no manual dexterity at all. I drop and break everything. I trap my hands in doors, I cut my hands while chopping vegetables, I burn my hands taking food out of the oven, I drop food on the floor, things slip through my hands ..... I just tried to wash my son's hair and I smeared shampoo all over his face. Knowing that I was about to start crying, he bravely said that it didn't get shampoo in his eyes and that it didn't sting one bit .... I wasn't aware that extreme clumsiness is a sign that you're losing your mind but clearly it is. A large part of the problem is that I'm trying to do everything far too fast. I some how need to slow down but I just can't do that. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I just hope so. I worry most for my son. I want so much to give him a wonderful childhood. He's all that I've got. But most of the time I just see him as someone who has spread LEGO all over the floor. And if I have to tidy up any more LEGO then I'll go out of my mind ... if I haven't already.

8 comments:

Honey said...

if I would if I were already in the UK I'd drop everything myself and come over and give you one big hug..
allow yourself these awful days, please. Take time to go see a friend, perhaps S. someone who loves you and will let you talk? I wish I could be there for you but phone me anytime and I will be over soon.
xxxxxx

janis said...

It sounds like you need a break... take it easy, mama. Be gentle with yourself. ((hugs))

c. said...

I have the same problems, with my dexterity, with my children having to comfort me, with the overwhelming, where-the-hell-did-you-come-from grief. And I can't help but wonder, when does it end? When do I become me again, when do my kids get the mother they knew. The idea of never getting that woman back is wholly unbelievable to me. Inconceivable, really.

As an aside, thank you for commenting on my recent blog. Many days, the only thing that gets me through (and it's so very selfish) is knowing that there are women who know this grief, too.

Anonymous said...

What a gorgeous son. You're obviously doing something right!

Give yourself a break and some tlc.

Z said...

I wish I could say something to help, but I don't know how to. My only suggestion is to find something, however small, to enjoy each day, and that you tell your son about it, or laugh with him, to lessen his tension and your grief.

Karin said...

I know it might not feel this way, but I think it is wonderful that your son shows his caring so openly. My son does that too. I think it is a valuable life lesson actually, that it's ok to show you care and to help with something small like a hug.

I hope you can slow down and rest a bit. It's all right to not do everything and be everything. I have to remind myself of that too.

Tash said...

I'm so sorry -- these moments, the residual crap that keeps haunting us, really break my heart. For me it's the short term memory loss and the inability to plan or visualize a future. Which is no way to live with a child.

I hope you find a way to slow things down a bit. And everyone is right -- treat yourself now and then. Please.

kate said...

i have nothing useful to add, i hope you can get a rest soon...i will be thinking of you...