Thursday, 16 April 2009

Hope and despair

I can cope with despair. What I can't cope with is hope. And hope does keep forcing itself upon me. Just recently I learnt that an old and dear school friend is pregnant. She's 43 and she and her husband have been through every hell to have a child but it never happened. Three years ago they had to give up. And now she's pregnant. I cried buckets when I found out. I spoke to her on the phone and she explained to me what I had guessed - that the baby is from a donor egg (and donor sperm). She then told me what the success rate is if you use a donor egg and it is very high ...... And suddenly I was thrown into spasms of panic and fear. I talked to my husband and he thought we should try it. I spent two days in tears at the thought of doctor's appointments, drugs, hospitals. Then I decided I'm just not going to do it. Despair is really easier. Also it is all too Brave New World for me. I certainly don't criticise anyone who goes down that route. People do it because they're desperate and I know what it is to be desperate. But no. I'm just not going to go to hell and back again for some other woman's child. Or that's what I feel right now anyway.