Tuesday, 17 March 2009


Well, it's a beautiful day here and I'm really enjoying it. Tomorrow we're going to a meeting about the possibility of adopting a child. And my son starts his Easter holiday tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to having more time with him ..... So things are good. Or they were until I switched on my computer and found two really horrible comments typed on my blog. It's so sad. Usually this whole blogging world is full of supportive, helpful people, with interesting opinions. But then there always has to be someone who is just really nasty. Of course, I know that a person with a badly disabled child is in a worse situation than I am ..... Of course, I know that. And I think the things I write on my blog make that clear - to anyone who is actually reading it properly. Thanks to that spiteful person for casting a dark cloud over my sunny day. But life could be worse. I also could be someone who gets pleasure out of finding people who are already hurt and then trying to hurt them further. Can anyone tell me how stop this throughly nasty person from posting things on my blog?

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Survivors' guilt

I know that many people find me difficult to deal with because they suffer from survivors' guilt. They look at me and they feel awful because it happened to me, and not to them. I understand this and I ask myself, 'What is it that I need from the survivors?' I know what I usually get and that is people telling me that really it's very tough for them as well. They tell me that one of their children has learning difficulties, or asthma or impaired hearing. As I'm a polite person, I finish up offering sympathy about their child's problem. But if I'm really honest there's a voice in my head saying, 'If your child is alive then you don't have a problem.' Or I get people telling me that they had a really bad labour and their baby nearly died. And I suppose that they say that in order to empathise with me - but it really doesn't work. Again there's that nasty little voice in my head saying, 'Yes, but the whole point is that your child didn't die.' I know that's not very charitable of me but it's just how it is. But then interestingly a good friend said something quite different to me the other day. 'I look at you,' she said, 'and I just value my children so much and I just feel so, so lucky ....' And oddly that was the right thing to say. That's what I need. I just need the survivors to know that they're lucky and to say it. That's all.

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Lost friends, lost worlds

I have found a friend here. She's a woman who has also had a stillborn baby. We were talking about the amount of friends that we've both lost since joining the Dead Baby Club. She said, 'I do miss those people.' I had a think about this. 'I don't miss them,' I said. 'Because after all I could ring them up any time and they might even be pleased to hear from me.' So it isn't the friends I miss. What I miss is the world in which those friends seemed relevant. I don't know why they aren't relevant any more but they just aren't. Perhaps it is because those friendships were largely based on the idea of 'having fun' and that idea has gone from our lives. A while ago I met a woman who I used to be quite good friends with in the supermarket. She was pleased to see me and said, 'You must come around.' I said, 'Yes, why not, that would be good.' And for a moment I remembered what it was like when I used to go around to her house and I felt sad for that whole world that I've lost ..... But there wasn't a moment when I considered calling her up and fixing to visit her. There just wouldn't have been any point in doing that. I wonder what she thinks. Is she completely mystified? Does she just think I'm a total bitch? Or does she partially understand? I've really no idea. I'm not that interested. Maybe she feels sad. Ah well, someone else can take a turn at feeling sad. She has three live kids and functioning marriage so I can't really spare much sympathy for her. What a horrible, horrible approach to take - but that's how it is.