Tuesday, 17 March 2009


Well, it's a beautiful day here and I'm really enjoying it. Tomorrow we're going to a meeting about the possibility of adopting a child. And my son starts his Easter holiday tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to having more time with him ..... So things are good. Or they were until I switched on my computer and found two really horrible comments typed on my blog. It's so sad. Usually this whole blogging world is full of supportive, helpful people, with interesting opinions. But then there always has to be someone who is just really nasty. Of course, I know that a person with a badly disabled child is in a worse situation than I am ..... Of course, I know that. And I think the things I write on my blog make that clear - to anyone who is actually reading it properly. Thanks to that spiteful person for casting a dark cloud over my sunny day. But life could be worse. I also could be someone who gets pleasure out of finding people who are already hurt and then trying to hurt them further. Can anyone tell me how stop this throughly nasty person from posting things on my blog?


Anonymous said...

You said, 'yes but your child is alive' - possibly paraphrasing a little. My child is alive, yes, but not for long. I had a full term still birth before that and a miscarriage at 3 months. I am realistically too old to have another child. I do not feel lucky at all. At all. I'm sorry if you thought my post was spiteful. It wasn't - it was angry. I was googling for topics alongside my problems and came across your post which seemed to be spiteful towards me. Well, not ME, but people like me. You don't need to block me. I won't be back again. Anyway, good luck with the adoption, sincerely. I'm sorry, but to me you seem very lucky indeed. I guess everything is relative.

Tash said...

Anon, I commented on the last post, but to repeat: Living children do not mitigate grieving over dead ones. Please read around. This is not sophie's choice. I really honestly feel for your situation, and if you poked around a bit you could find some well written blogs by women in your situation exactly. Blogs that not remotely vindictive or spiteful or hurtful against those of us who just happened to have children when we lost our younger ones. People who actually take a few moments to understand how difficult our situation is. It's not better -- it's not worse, either. It's different.

I beg you to read this post about this topic, and then go and read some blogs by women in your position like Life from Here or The Road Less Traveled.

I feel for you. But playing pain olympics anonymously in someone else's grief blog is really not cool.

Z said...

Dear Alice, most of us understand that this is a deeply personal blog where you feel free to express feelings and views that you can't say to anyone out loud. Sometimes you'll be outspoken and even hurtful and that's your right on your own blog. Sadly, Anon is suffering too and so snapped back at an unintended hurt.

I think her main 'sin' was in being anonymous. It's horrible, getting criticism anonymously. Sometimes people do it, I suppose, so that they don't get a mean comment back on their own blog, but others do it because they don't have a blog and so that's the box to tick. But she should have given her name at least.

I feel at a loss to speak to you women who have suffered so much. I don't know why I return when I can't, in truth, share your pain. I do because I feel that even if you couldn't bear to know me in person, maybe my respect for you will not cause you pain.

Please try to forgive Anon, because I don't think she is in a position where she can not be bitter, and I'm dreadfully sad for her too.

niobe said...

When I get nasty comments -- which happens every once in a while -- I delete them and try to forget about them. I also try to summon up some sympathy for the person who apparently has nothing more constructive to do than to hurt someone else. I know, easier said than done.

Mel said...

Unfortunately there will always be someone out there who is worse off.

This is your space Alice, you write what you want. You are allowed to have the thoughts and feelings that you have.

Anon it sounds like you are in an awful awful place and I am so sorry that you are having to walk the road you are on. Taking your anger out on someone who is in their own awful place is not going to help anyone, it's just going to make everyone feel even worse.

Maybe anon you could start writing your own blog, tell your story, your children's stories. There is a huge support network online, it wont change your reality but it might help if only just a little bit.

Anonymous said...

The person that commented is clearly angry, unhappy and directing their rage at people they perceive to have better lives. They don't realise that both your hurts are equally valid and that there's no better or worse about either of your situations, it's all pain and it's all sad.

I don't think your situation is better and that you should feel lucky. How can you feel lucky about such a terrible and tragic loss? It's a ridiculous thing to say.

I'm sorry that your safe space was violated in this way. I hope you're OK

Karin said...

I just wanted to give you some ((((hugs)))))There are no grief-o-meters out there. Pain is pain is pain. There is a broad spectrum of possibility in how one might come to a place of grief. No comparisons can be made.

We too have begun the adoption process. (((((Hugs))))) I haven't posted about it yet.

k@lakly said...

Tash, as usual, said it best. I don't allow anon comments for that reason. I want to know who I am writing to and who is writing to me.
I'm so sorry.
Anon., there is a world of caring mothers out here who would support you, if you let them. But you have to be willing to be supported and to support others, regardless of who you think is hurting more. There are no winners in this world of dead babies, we all hurt. It is not just you, even if you think it is. I am sorry for all of your losses.

Alice said...

Thanks to all the people who typed supportive comments on here. Of course, now I know this lady's story I feel quite different. What happened to her is horrible beyond what I can imagine. Of course by comparison I'm lucky. But I didn't know .... She needs to tell people that story and she'll find that they'll listen and care. Maybe she will. I hope so.