Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Lost friends, lost worlds
I have found a friend here. She's a woman who has also had a stillborn baby. We were talking about the amount of friends that we've both lost since joining the Dead Baby Club. She said, 'I do miss those people.' I had a think about this. 'I don't miss them,' I said. 'Because after all I could ring them up any time and they might even be pleased to hear from me.' So it isn't the friends I miss. What I miss is the world in which those friends seemed relevant. I don't know why they aren't relevant any more but they just aren't. Perhaps it is because those friendships were largely based on the idea of 'having fun' and that idea has gone from our lives. A while ago I met a woman who I used to be quite good friends with in the supermarket. She was pleased to see me and said, 'You must come around.' I said, 'Yes, why not, that would be good.' And for a moment I remembered what it was like when I used to go around to her house and I felt sad for that whole world that I've lost ..... But there wasn't a moment when I considered calling her up and fixing to visit her. There just wouldn't have been any point in doing that. I wonder what she thinks. Is she completely mystified? Does she just think I'm a total bitch? Or does she partially understand? I've really no idea. I'm not that interested. Maybe she feels sad. Ah well, someone else can take a turn at feeling sad. She has three live kids and functioning marriage so I can't really spare much sympathy for her. What a horrible, horrible approach to take - but that's how it is.