Sunday, 4 May 2008

Candles

The IVF is going ahead and I'm actually really enjoying life at the moment. I've managed to get in and out of the hospital several times without screaming at anyone. Also, I have to say that the physical aspects of IVF are not too bad. In a way I don't want to admit that because I don't want to have to say that IVF is anything less than vile - but really, at least physically, it's OK, or at least the early days of it are. I had a really terrible reaction to Clomid and to Utrogestan (fertility drugs) so I was ready for real trouble with IVF but it hasn't turned out like that. I think the truth is that when you live through the kind of horrible times I'm living through then your expectations of what life has to offer become very low and paradoxically this means that it's far easier to be happy. Now I often find myself thinking, 'Mercifully nothing really bad is happening at this precise moment.' And suddenly just the fact that that is true turns a rather ordinary day into a really Good Day. I suppose it's rather like having a load of candles burning in a room. You can't see how bright the candles are until you turn the lights off.

3 comments:

B said...

Glad to hear you are having a good day Alice. Hope it carries on.

Tash said...

There's an online acronym in the states in certain circles: NBHHY (Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet). Which I used to kinda like, but now I realize the Bad thing HAS Happened. Big time. There is no way I could have a "good day" in a future pregnancy attempt, and so I'm impressed and quite pleased for you that you've found one to revel in. good for you.

Alice said...

Dear Tash,

Yes, you're right. The worst thing that could happen has already happened. But actually I do sometimes find that liberating. For me it means that all sorts of little things which would once have upset or worried me don't effect me at all any more. I just feel, 'I lived through that so I can live through anything ....' As for the 'good day' the truth is that I can only have a good day because I've given up hope. I know the IVF won't work. People some times suggest to me that my negative attitude is what stops me having another baby. Maybe that's true but the I just can't afford to make any more emotional investments in babies which don't stay alive. It's awful but that's how it is. But you're right that for you, and for me, pregnancy and childhood birth are forever tainted by sadness and fear. I'm so sad it's like that for you.

Alice