Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Nothing

Well, it turns out I didn't have to wait until Friday. I already know that the IVF didn't work. I found out late last night - the day which was the anniversary of my daughter's death. Great timing. I find that these things are organised to cause the maximum amount of pain possible. I just don't believe it. To be specific, I can't believe that at the end of all this we've got nothing. Nothing at all. For months I've been trailing back and forwards to one hospital or another, and I've had hundreds of blood tests and I've had my feet stuck in stirrups again and again. And I've had one metal instrument after another shoved up my vagina by people who behave like car mechanics. I've poisoned myself with masses of drugs and spent my time being foul to my husband and son. And at the end of all this? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not even a piece of paper. The whole thing was just one massive waste of time. And the worst thing is that I can't even blame this on anyone else. I knew that we shouldn't do IVF. I don't even approve of IVF. But still I went throught with it. And now - nothing. Our situation was bad and now it is worse. And still the days keep on coming and we keep on living in them. What choice do we have?

24 comments:

Tash said...

Awww shit.

You're right, no choice but forward. That's all there is. Putting your head down and mowing right through them. So sorry, especially for the timing, that's awful.

I know you said you can't blame anyone else, and it's easier said than done, but try to go easy on you. You deserve to be treated nicely right now. Starting with a nice glass of wine and some pastry.

Thinking of you.

Melissia said...

I,m so sorry as well. You are right, the timing is horrible. I wish Tash and I were there with you to drink wine, eat chocolate and just sit with you and talk.
Melissia

Aurelia said...

I'm sorry, this is truly crappy. Take care...

Anonymous said...

I'm very sorry.
But it's time to get over it. And stop going on about it. You're poisoning your son's life. Is he not enough?

Alice said...

Thank you Melissia, Tash, Aurelia for your really kind comments. But as for the anonymous comment .... I don't know how you take a comment of a blog but I'm just about to find out. How dare you? How dare you? What do you know about my son? This happened to me two days ago and you are telling me to get over it! And what's worse your comment is anonymous. What cowardice. If you want say something horrible to something then at least have the courage to put your name on it. You have hurt me very, very badly at a moment when I'm already hurt. Please make sure never to post anything on this blog again. You are poisonous. I may have problems but at least I'm not posting spiteful little messages on the blogs of people who are grieving.

Melissia said...

Okay Anonymous. I have a few words for you as well. Who the hell do you think you are? And how dare you presume to know what is best for Alice or her son? My educated guess is that you have no insight into what Alice is feeling and have no experience with infertility.
My suggestion to you is that until you have held your own dead baby in your arms as Alice, Tash and I have done you keep your mouth shut and your uninformed thoughts to yourself.
Alice, if you need help banning this address I will be happy to show you how.

Honey said...

Darling Alice,
Please try not to take anons comments to heart. They are from a malicious and cowardly person who is obviously unable to do anything other than hurt a stranger.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry I didn't read your blog or just ask you. But I was putting bad news on hold which was cowardly of me.
Oh and just one more thing towards anon: if you knew Alice or her son you'd know no sweeter, happier kid and no better, caring loving and nurturing mother... this is her escape, this blog. Unlike you she does not poison people who could get hurt, she just writes her story.

Maddie Moon said...

I've just found your blog and was so saddened to read your post. What bloody awful timing, not that there can ever be a good time for these things. You're right there's no one to blame, but especially not yourself.
Thinking of you.

Alice said...

Do you know what? It finished up being really a good thing that someone posted that really horrible comment. Because then Melissia posted her comment and Honey as well and it just felt so good for someone to stand up for me .... THANKS SO MUCH.

Alice

Mr Farty said...

Here from Honey's blog. I think you can block anonymous comments if you find them upsetting.

Re. the IVF, my stepdaughter and hubby went through seven years of trying, including two bouts of IVF, with nada to show for it. Then grandson arrived out of the blue.

Maybe you'll get lucky too. Here's hoping.

Daphne said...

Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

Anonymous said...

Hello Alice.

I just found your blog.

I am so very sorry you are going through this.

Thinking about you and wishing you all the best,

Julia

R. Sherman said...

Greetings from Missouri, USA via Honey's blog.

My prayers for you and your family during this time. Don't lose heart.

Cheers.

Dave said...

Hi Alice. I'm just over from Honey's blog.

I remember a question and answer I read some years ago. It was this..
Q. Why do some people tell lies?
A. Because they are liers.

It makes me think..
Q. Why did "Anonymous" say something so cruel?
A. Because he has cruel thoughts.

The problem is with him...

Please just try to let his comments pass you by.

I wanted to let you know that I, and many others, are sending you healing and supportive thoughts right now.

I don't know you, but I know of you, and I surely hope you get through this bad period in your life.

Best wishes from all of us.

Dizzy said...

Dear Alice
As yet another one here who has held and mourned her dead baby I understand the awfulness of the day after the day after looming scarily ahead.
As Tash says, there is no choice but forward. Anniversaries are always the worst times, but hang on in there.
Many hugs
Diz

Anonymous said...

Over from Honey's blog too.
I'm very sorry. Terrible thing to have to go through - I can't even imagine. All the best,
Vida

The Aunt said...

Hello, over from Honey's.

People say the wierdest things to people grieving. Sometimes it's just a foot in the mouth and sometimes it's a lonely damaged personality who couldn't show a grain of compassion if it killed him (I'm betting it's a him) because he's an emotionally frigid Asperger's sufferer. With psoriasis and piles and pubic lice and a very bad body odour problem and the most enormous boil right out on the front of his face. Which is why he has to trawl the blogs for someone to be nasty to because everyone who knows him ITRW pretends to be talking on the phone when they see him coming.

Oh and he has a very very small penis and is much much too poor to afford a swanky car to replace it.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Alice, I'm here from Honey's blog to give you some love.

Comments are the hardest and most wonderful thing about blogging. It's a brave thing to put yourself out here -- and so terrible that someone can come in and hurt you so. What we commenters say shows a lot more about each of us than it does about you.

Hugs.

Angel Mom said...

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry.

Sherry/Cherie said...

You have the choice to live. To find the joy and the blessings that are yours. The losses we hurt over and those memories never leave us. You must grieve now -- that's important. Let the pain the frustration and the disappointment flow. Miss your daughter, and when the time is right and you will know when that is, no one else will know, you will look at a fresh day and say "this is the one that counts" and it will. My thoughts, prayers and blessings are with you. There are times when life seems so unfair and it is. Know that others share you feelings and offer you arms of comfort.

Sherry/Cherie said...

Alice my dear, you can delete that thoughtless anonymous comment...and I hope that you will. For yourself.

Alyssa said...

i am sorry about your anon. commenter as well. the longer it seems to get from our daughter's death, the more people assume we are "supposed" to be better and moving on and "getting over it"...even my own mother-in-law thinks we need to just let sydney rest and stop wondering what she would be like and start living our days more to the fullest.....it's hard with anon. but also hard with it being your own family that thinks you should be better by now...i am sooo sorry for you loss and that you feel the pressures i do as well to speed up this process of grief. it will always be a part of our lives and constantly in our minds and hearts, no matter who tells us otherwise....as a mom to a little boy who is 3 i know how hard it is to keep going for him even though i miss sydney so much. i feel have failed him so much but God's grace won't let that happen and i know he will be a more compassionate kid for having gone through all this with us....be strong. praying for you for peace and rest.

Z said...

I'm here from Honey's blog too, with best wishes and sympathy.

I think there is a fear of grief and a feeling that it's best to pretend that it can be 'got over'. It can't. And sometimes you can't talk about your feelings to friends and families, but you can in your blog. And your virtual friends, some of whom understand because they have suffered too, feel for you and care and wish you peace and future happiness - though we know you'll always grieve. And so you should. Your daughter deserves your grief as well as your love.

Clare Sudbery said...

Many sympathies and hugs, these things are all very hard.

The internet is full of people who don't understand just how wounding a few small typed words can be, who take the anonymity as licence to type without thinking. Try to pay no heed.

And if you want to delete the comment, log in to Blogger and then visit this post, and you should see a little trash icon under the comment in question. Click on that.