Wednesday 21 May 2008
Resilience
You know how it is when something really horrible happens? You think - ok, now I'm going to stay in bed and cry forever and I'm going to starve myself to death and I'm never going to talk to anyone again. And you really, really want it to be like that. But then you get bored of lying in bed and you start feeling really hungry ..... and you hate yourself because you are so resilient. You hate yourself for not starving or dying. But some how you can't do either. You're tough even though you really don't want to be. Just at this moment I actually feel all right (although I did spend half the day lying in bed crying) and I'm shocked at myself for not feeling too bad. I like the lady who writes a blog called 'Awful but functioning.' What I'd like to know is how do you stop functioning? I don't seem a talent for it.
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3 comments:
I didn't stop. I think that's the point -- I couldn't either. I had to get up, get dressed, tend to my living child. Put groceries in the fridge, lunch on the table, take the dogs out for walks. I had to function. But I felt like hell doing it. When people asked me how I was doing, I'd say "Awful, but functioning."
But that's all I could do for a long time, simply "function." Not feel, or taste, or enjoy, or revel, or really anything other than just be. I'm starting to warm up slowly around the edges now, functioning isn't nearly as hard as it was, nor frankly am I as awful.
The human spirit is a tough cookie. And the fact that you got bored and hungry speaks volumes of where you are, and where you could be. You've got a lot of strength, whatever the reason.
Thinking of you, wishing you a small amount of peace.
Sometimes the stopping comes later, when you are in a place where you can take the time to stop your day to day life. It is funny how necessity will keep you moving forward, helping you to heal, not minimizing Laura or your losses, but allowing you to devote your energy to your son and your life.
My stopping came years later, a full and crashing emergency brake stop, when I least expected it and thought I was healed and it was all behind me. It was tangled up with a series of attending stillbirths as a labor and delivery nurse, something I felt privileged to do, but something that ultimately left an emotional toll.
But, I am working through it, and find an incredible solace in the community of women on the internet. I ever told my son the other day about his sister for the first time and he was incredibly receptive. He was very young himself at the time so he didn't remember, but it wasn't traumatic or ugly or "why didn't you tell me sooner", no drama, just lovely acceptance and "I'm so sorry mom". Anyway, my point is. Take your time. Do what is right for you, on your own time line. Don't let anyone else dictate what works for you, just listen to your body and your inner voices.
We have an incredible ability to self heal, given time, food, and emotional support. But you have had a double whammy this week, so give yourself permission to have a couple of good crying jags, to eat an entire box of really good chocolates, to drink some wine, or spend another day in bed if you are moved to do so, at least until you get bored or hungry. Take care.
Personally, I don't seem to have much resilience. Though my twins' deaths weren't really that all that difficult for me to handle, in the past, I've had a few bad things happen to me that have made years of my life just disappear, as if they had never existed.
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