Saturday, 8 October 2011
We got here! The journey was 24 hours and when we arrived we were all exhausted and disorientated. But we all had some sleep and now we are doing fine. In one hour we go to meet our surrogate Mum who we have never met before. I usually consider myself reasonably good at coping with most social situations. But having lunch with the woman who is carrying my husband's child may be a stretch! We are in a foreign country in so many different ways. But everything is actually going fine. I think that our day at the hospital will start at 6 am tomorrow morning. I'm scared of the birth. Very scared. And I'm scared about what I will feel when I see Hope. Except actually I'm not because I know that women have a hundred different reactions to the arrival of the baby - not all of them positive. And although birth is a big moment actually it isn't the birth that matters. It is the next eighteen or more years. And in the long term I know we'll be fine. I have never held a baby or been anywhere near one since Laura died. And I have had doctors tell me that I have PSTD and all that stuff. But actually I don't really accept that. And I have my husband and son with me and an amazing friend called Lin. And if I can't cope then they will. And once we get through this we have the rest of our lives to look forward to. And I will have a daughter - something that I thought I could never have.