Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Anniversary

Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of our daughter's death. By this time five years ago I knew that she would die but I still had to go through the labour. The odd thing is that I'm not upset at all. I've just spent an hour reading posts on the SANDS (UK stillbirth charity's) website. Usually I finish up having a good cry if I do that. But no! Of course, it's stupid for me to be upset because I'm not upset. I should just make the most of it in the certain knowledge that there will be a day when - randomly - I'm really upset. I know that some people would assume that I'm not upset because five years have gone by. But actually it is only eighteen months since the last miscarriage - and the final, final knowledge that we were at the end of the road. I think that the truth is that for the last two years I've just been entirely frozen. Loss has piled up on loss and I've just ceased to have any reaction. I don't look as though I'm frozen. In fact, I look quite normal but I really don't feel anything about anything. After Laura died, I promised myself I'd write a letter to her every year on her birthday and that I'd put all the letters away in her special box. But last year I didn't write the letter because I didn't have anything to say. This year is pretty much the same. My husband is away. So I'm here on my own with my son. I keep thinking I'll call someone but I don't really feel like it. Maybe I'll just go to bed and read a book.

6 comments:

Tash said...

Birthday thoughts to lovely Laura, and to the whole family.

I think anniversaries need passed in any way we feel like it in order to get through. Whatever you do is right, whether it's writing a letter or reading a book and spending some quiet time with yourself. Less to say isn't necessarily a bad thing, you know? For either of you.

Thinking of you -- May is a rough month for a lot of moms.

Life of Lisa said...

I just stumbled on your site, I lost a 20 month old son. You shouldn't feel like you have to act in any certain way on an anniversary. It can be so exhausting just dealing with anniversaries and it can be draining just to get through the day. Take care.

caitsmom said...

Oh, I'm so sorry it's taken this long to respond to your post.

Still, I'm thinking of you and your daughter Laura. Be gentle with yourself about the letters. If you can't write them, it's OK. Do what you need to do to survive.

Peace.

Anonymous said...

I have been where you are. Look forward and rejoice in what you have!

Anonymous said...

Four months have passed. I have called by several times... I wonder how things are with you.
Lucy

Cloaca said...

The only thing that stopped my tears today was determined focus on the happiest image I could summon. It actually worked.

I don't even think of anniversaries at this point. Too much time has passed. What surprises me is that any random moment of any day could be that one day in years that the grief comes swirling back.