Monday 8 February 2010

My sister's baby

My younger sister has had a baby - a little boy called William who was born yesterday. He is her first child and the first baby to be born in the family since Laura died. I didn't know that I'd really been worrying about my sister until I woke up this morning and realised that I didn't have to worry any more (or at least not as much). I did call her on Saturday night and she said, 'Yes, I thought it was all going to happen yesterday but now it has all gone quiet.' Of course, I wanted to yell down the phone, 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN - QUIET?' But I managed not to do that. I'm so, so pleased that she has had a boy. That is a real help to me and to her. I didn't want everyone looking in the pram and thinking, 'I wonder if Laura would have looked like that.' (Would anyone have thought that? Or am I kidding myself?) Also that wouldn't be fair on my sister. Her experience is her experience and she wants to enjoy it freely, without being weighed down by my baggage. Today I mentioned to a couple of woman on the school run that I was relieved the baby is a boy. They didn't get the point at all. And they didn't understand why I had been scared and worried. Perhaps it was stupid of me to think that they might understand. On Sunday, while my sister was in labour I did ring a lovely lady who I know in this area who also had a stillbirth. She is such a support to me. I said to her, 'My sister is in labour. I'm not upset but I just wanted to say those words to someone.' She understood entirely and it really helped. Tomorrow I might have to take my son to see the baby. That could be a bit more challenging. I think my sister knows that I'm not going to hold her son. I've never held a baby since Laura died and I'm not thinking of starting now. I'll be OK if the baby is big and fat and jolly looking. What I can't cope with is any tiny, skinny little babies which look a bit premature. But at the moment I'm not worried about all this. A day will probably come when I'll wail about all the attention that this new baby is getting and I'll think, 'I wanted Laura to have all the cards and the flowers and the new baby grows, all the love and the care.' But for the moment I don't feel like that. I've got much better at simply deciding not to feel certain things.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Alice, I know the quote was by Beckett and you did say so. I just wondered if you could please cite the provenance of this quote from the late Mr. Beckett. - I mean where you found it?
I knew Beckett and it is important to me.
Your last blog: hopefully you will be able to hold your sister's baby - think of your sister and William.
Holding the baby may help, it could be a beginning of release.
thanks for sharing

Anonymous said...

I think you're being incredibly generous and gracious Alice. I would be the biggest brat and am steeling myself to behave when my sister gives birth in a couple of months.

Anonymous said...

Alice
Your sadness is overwhelming - you are in my thoughts and will be for days to come.
Lucy

Anonymous said...

to the first commenter - the quote is, I believe, from Beckett's correspondence with Alan Schneider

Alice said...

The Beckett quote was given to me by another lady whose baby died. She told me that this was something that Beckett wrote in a letter to a friend who was bereaved. So that would fit with what someone else is suggesting here. Hope you find out. If not, I could ask the lady who gave it to me. With thanks, Alice

Alice said...

Thanks for the kind messages. I'm glad someone else said that they'd be the biggest brat in this situation. It takes courage to admit to mean thoughts (even though we all have them). I think that one of the absolutely worst thing about a baby dying is that the mother of that baby just can't always be generous to other mums in the way that she wants to be and would once have been ..... Alice