Sunday, 31 January 2010

The meaning of blog

I understand from reading other blogs that people write blogs for very different reasons. I suppose for lots of people blogs are just a place to post news and photographs - and why not? But my blog isn't like that at all. I don't usually put any stuff here about our holidays, our friends, our building work, my son's school - or whatever. Because the point is that I can talk to anyone in my normal life about those things. So for me this blog is specifically to do with my daughter's death. It contains thoughts I very seldom share with anyone in my normal life. Inevitably it also contains some of the rather small and bitter stuff which really has no other place to go. It seems to me that that is fine. Problems only arise if someone reads this blog and thinks that it is actually representative of my life as a whole. If they do that then, of course, they judge me as bitter and obsessed and sad. But anyone who does that is making a mistake. In my normal life I'm cheerful and busy and generally fairly positive - and, of course, I have masses of things going on in my life which have nothing to do with my daughter's death. I tend to assume that people who read blogs can figure that out for themselves - but perhaps not all of them can!

7 comments:

Melissia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Keith said...

I understand you because I too lost my son to cancer when he was 28, in 1990. I can't talk to people I know about his death because as soon as I mention his name their face goes blank and they virtually turn away from me.

I try to keep my blog about general things to do with my life and avoid talking about what I would really like to write about; Glenn.

I did a memorial webpage about him, about his life, his achievements etc and I invited all his friends, relations and people who worked with him to do a tribute or even a comment. I notified everybody I could think of with the eAddress.

The webpage was up for five years and during that time I only had 4 hits, no tributes and no comments!

Reluctantly I removed it because it was obvious that he was gone and forgotten. To other people now it is as if he never existed.

Alice said...

Dear Keith,

Thanks so much for your kind message. I'm really, really sorry to hear about Glenn and I know (at least a little) how much you must miss him. But to be honest, I find comments like yours helpful because it makes me know that it isn't only me! It makes me so, so angry that no-one left messages on your memorial page. I just don't get it. All those people were being asked to do was to just spend a few minutes thinking, remembering, providing you with a little comfort. And yet they wouldn't do it. I don't understand. And I find it really difficult to live in a world where people just pretend that bad stuff doesn't happen. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have felt having that memorial page there for five years and no-one posting anything. I'm so, so sorry. I also have big questions because it isn't like this for everybody. Some people get a better level of support. I'm now asking myself deep and difficult questions about why I am the kind of person to whom people (in the real world) don't support? But I haven't got any answers. Sending you all my love. I'm going down to town soon so I'll light a candle in the church (if I can) for Glenn. Alice

Anonymous said...

Hi Alice,
I ask myself the same. Why don't I get support and why do people act as if I didn't lose my boy. I have come to the conclusion that it's because they think I don't need it and I suppose that I act as if everything is fine. What I don't understand is why people can't imagine how it must feel. I never take a cheery face to mean that the tragedy is forgotton.

To Keith. I'm so sorry. That's incredibly hurtful. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that you didn't get the support you needed and deserved.

Anonymous said...

Alice, I read Beckett's quote and it gives answers to the published comments.
I am on the other side, 35 year old daughter dying of cancer - one year of two nearly gone. You are lucky to have faith.
Could you please cite the provenance of this quote from the late Mr. Beckett - thanks, Ulrike.

Alice said...

Thanks for the two anonymous messages. Ulrike - I wonder if you have looked at a blog called Honey Letting Off Steam. It is written by a friend of mine and you can find it from my blog. Honey is also dying of cancer aged 35 and with three young children. I only say this in case her blog might be helpful to you or your daughter. You right that I should have put Beckett's name after the quote. I thought I had done but I find I haven't.

Alice said...

Actually I did put that the quote if from Beckett. I was sure that I would have done! Alice