Wednesday 9 July 2008
Counsellors
I've been going to see a counsellor ever since our daughter died. Today the counsellor finished the session by saying, 'Would you perhaps feel ready now to write a letter to Laura saying good-bye to her?' I said without hesitation, 'No, I wouldn't.' Is it just me or was her question really stupid? To me it seems stupid for two reasons. Firstly, Laura is dead so why would I be saying good bye to someone who is dead? I said good bye to her three years ago. Secondly, even if the counsellor was asking me to say good bye to the memory my daughter, I still find it a stupid question. Because I'm never going to say good bye to the memory of my daughter. If I live to be ninety I won't do that. Why would I? I had her name tattooed on my foot specifically so that the memory would always be with me. I feel really let down by the fact that the counsellor said this. I now suspect that, in her own mind, she has perhaps spent three years waiting for me to get to the stage when I can write this letter. But if that's the case then all of our meetings have been based on a fundamental misunderstanding. I really feel like it's time for me to stop wasting my time and money. I used to be a big believer in counselling but now I'm not. I think counselling maybe useful for problems which do have a solution. My problem doesn't have a solution so I don't really know what counselling can acheive.
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7 comments:
I am sorry to hear this. And sad & angry that you are not allowed to just be, and instead being asked to conform to her timeline and markers of grieving. I find a lot of times, for others, it is what they have achieved with you, not what you have to say, or to feel, to hold.
I find this to be, um, bullshit. Is this a general therapist or a grief counselor? I ask because I can't imagine mine (a grief specialist) ever asking me to do that. Also, not long into our sessions, I initiated a discussion about what our "end goal" was. You might want to do the same.
I'm really sorry, sometimes when your therapist says something out of left field it really gets you in a way that it wouldn't coming from something else. (My therapist has said some other things that have caught me off guard.)
(That should be SOMEONE else. Freudian slip.)
I can't presume to speak for your therapist, but what I as a therapist have found is that there often are things that we wish we could have said to people who are no longer with us. It sometimes, for some people can be healing to tell a deceased parent or spouse on paper how much you loved them and will miss them. It doesn't mean that you will forget them, it just means that you have expressed your feelings toward them in a different way that for some people is healing. I don't think your therapist meant for you to forget your child or to feel that your relationship with her is over. I think she meant for you to have the opportunity to express yourself in a different way that might give you the opportunity to gain some comfort.
"My problem doesn't have a solution so I don't really know what counselling can acheive."
This is exactly why I'm not seeking counselling. In the past, I've gone to a therapist to work on specific issues that were "holding me up" in my life. I don't see this grief as a dysfunctional thing that needs to be fixed. I can't imagaine wrapping up the whole experience in a nice neat little letter to my dead baby - that seems absolutely crazy.
I'm with Tash - this is bullshit. I'm sorry that your therapist crossed the line like that. You deserve better.
You don't know me but I just wanted to offer my support. I share your view completely. What I find difficult is the way she phrased it - are you now ready to write that letter. After what, all her fine counseling? Sometimes people blunder, I think we all can understand that. But it feels as though by asking this question, she has held in her mind the idea of a culmination to this process. And there just isn't. I get the writing letters part - I write letters to my children who have died. But they are not goodbye letters. Their presence/absence is very much a part of my life, ongoing. New realizations come up for me all the time, the processing never ceases. For me, my children and their deaths continue to inform me and continue to have relevance. I haven't boarded my train without them.
Thanks so much for the comments. They really help. I need to check this kind of thing with people because often I don't know if it is me that has got the problem ..... I really appreciate all your thoughts.
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