Wednesday, 21 April 2010


I'm making myself type this post when I don't really want to. The truth is that we're looking at surrogacy. No, the whole truth. We're quite far down the line with the whole surrogacy business. We are looking at the US rather than the UK because in the UK surrogacy is virtually unknown. I don't know why I find it so hard to admit to this. I think it's because people I know will think that it is really weird / extreme / desperate / sad. Also I'm really frightened, really frightened of someone saying something horrible about it, or chucking a bucket of cold water on the whole thing. I vaguely tried it out on two friends. One said something derogatory about 'the kind of woman who would do something like that.' (In other words be a surrogate mother). This woman, of course, has three live and healthy children. The other friend said something chilly about the difficult psychological effects for the child. And actually I hadn't even said 'surrogacy' only 'donor egg.' I find these kind of comments amazing. Given what my husband and I have been through, I just thought people would cheer from the sidelines, no matter what they really think. On the upside, my Mum thinks it is a great idea. Also one dear friend here is whole heartedly supportive. Needless to say, she is a bereaved Mum. At the end of the day, I'm not really going to be influenced by what anyone says. But I could do without yet another thoroughly isolating experience.


Tash said...

I'm sure if I could go back and ask a 25 yr. old me what I thought about surrogacy, I'd be a pretty arrogant asshole myself. Having walked through infertility and baby death though I now have quite a different view. Reading blogs by surrogates has helped as well, and when they directly helped my friends? I was sold. I'm sorry you're getting so much flack, and I wish you well.

I'm sure you know of her already, but Kym (Smart One) is a surrogate and is very active in the surrogate community and would be a great resource.

I found though that just moving in a direction helped me feel unstuck even if I wound up in a deadend. At least I was further down the road than before.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see another post from you.

I also might have said something appalling about surrogacy when I was young.

I think this is a brilliant positive thing that you're doing. It's also extremely exciting. How do you FEEL?

I'm interested in doing this. We have been mulling it over for a while. I would love to ask you a whole load of very personal questions. How? How much? etc.

niobe said...

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Having gone through two surrogacies, I think it's a pretty amazing thing.

k@lakly said...

I wanted to be a surrogate when I was about 18 or 19. (and that was, sadly, decades ago). I have always thought it to be an amazing and awesome thing that one woman could do for another.
I hope the resources here, Smart One and Niobe, can help you find the right match.
Good for you for finding new doors to open.
I'm keeping it all crossed for you:)

Anonymous said...

Go for it - remember, you are the only person to see the world through your eyes.

Karin said...

I think that no matter what one chooses to do, someone out there will have some criticism to give. It seems about the most freely given form of communication out there!

I think it is great!

This is a different situation but when we were pregnant with Magnus, the lukewarm reception was astonishing. Our families were disappointed in us for thinking we should try again. It's not like we were out there without a medical team. But now? I reckon they don't even remember any of that because they love Magnus. He's no longer an idea in their heads. He has life and is a joy to have around.

Alice said...

Thanks so much for the comments. They are really helpful. It's true that ten years ago I would have thought that donor eggs / surrogacy were pretty extreme. But I just haven't got the courage not to do it. Thanks for the offers of help. I'm going to follow up - and if anyone wants to contact me they are welcome. Alice

Faye said...

Hi Alice

I'm not sure if this will help but maybe have a look at Tertia Albertyn and her surrogacy website.


Wishing you all the best on your journey, Faye