Tuesday 3 February 2009

Another uncertain mind

A lovely person called C. wrote a comment on her blog called 'An Uncertain Mind' about whether to continue trying to have another baby or not. I wanted to leave a comment but the technology didn't seem to allow it. But what she wrote really has resonance for me. It's so hard to give up trying. But I did give up and I know when it happened. It was when we were trying IVF. I was in hospital, lying in bed, recovering from the egg collection. I felt like hell - full of drugs, exhausted, in pain from the operation, tearful. I had just shouted at one of the nurses (with good reason). And as I lay there I looked up at the window. There was nothing much to see - just a few branches of a not particularly attractive tree. But some how even those few branches made me think, 'There's a whole world out there and I'm not seeing it.' And suddenly it was as though I was way above myself, looking down, and I could see myself lying in that hospital bed. And there I was, a youngish and healthy woman, made ill and pathetic and ugly by a medical treatment which I had chosen to undergo. And suddenly I thought, 'That person lying there isn't me. That is not who I am.' And for a moment I saw myself as I was when I was younger. And I was travelling in some distant place, on a boat, with the wind in my hair, staring out at the ocean, going somewhere. And that was when I gave up. At the moment when I couldn't stand the person I'd become. And I thought I was through, I thought I was finished. I thought I could start finding my way back to the boat, the wind, the joy of going somewhere. But it seems like it's never finished.

4 comments:

niobe said...

Some people's decisions not to have (or try for, since we know how uncertain the process is) a child or another child leave me sad and wishing i could comfort them.

But the way you phrased this made me admire you and see -- just a little -- what you must have been thinking at the time.

Beautiful, touching post

Tash said...

It does seem like it's never finished, doesn't it. (Double negative much?)

I know your image must seem sad and haunting and even a bit ugly, what with looking at yourself on that bed as you were, but I so envy that moment -- I wish I could have a moment like that, one that made me just accept one way or the other that I have to give it one more try, or forget it entirely and move on.

It's hard untangling grief and IF from the grand picture, isn't it. So hard.

Karin said...

I was just wondering the other night if I could remember what 'me' felt like before all this. I am trying to find out if a little bit of that person still remains.

Your image resonates.

k@lakly said...

Without sounding all glittery and sunshine, in reading your words it sounds,to me, much less like giving up and much more like choosing another path. But I am ever mindful of the glaring difference between being able to make the choice from a place of peace than making it from a place of anguish.

Your words are beautiful. The image haunting.

xxoo