Thursday, 24 April 2008

Why?

I went for the blood test yesterday. It was disasterous. I started screaming at the nurse. There was no real reason for this. She was slightly annoying. I've encountered her before and she is a bit of a bitch. But she really didn't give me any cause to scream a lot - which is what I did. I just sat there shouting 'Fuck, fuck, fuck .....' After she got me out of the room, I shouted it some more in the corridor. She shut the door on me at that point as I suppose she thought that it was all rather embarrassing for the other patients. After that I went into the loo and screamed more and kicked the wall until my foot hurt. I then wanted to go straight home, but it was throwing it down with rain, and it's a long walk to the bus stop, so I sat in the deserted foyer of the hospital for a while (it was 7 pm by then). I called my Mum and my sister and wailed at both of them down the phone. I usually try not to call them as I think they've both got enough problems of their own. My sister was great. She said, 'I think that was a fantastic thing to do. I think you should do that more often.' It was good of her to say that but actually the way I behaved was terrible. I don't know what has happened to me. Until two years ago I was always, always very polite and reasonable. Perhaps that's part of the problem. Perhaps I've been storing it all up for the last thirty eight years and the damn has finally burst. But I find it hard to accept this new version of myself. I remember all the stories that I've heard over the years of those people who've got cancer for the third time and they're still smiling at the hospital staff and being tremendously courageous and pleasant. It turns out that I am not like those people. I am not courageous or selfless or long suffering. Instead I'm on the edge, right on the edge. What do I do in this situation. What do you do if you know that you're losing your mind? I've got no idea.

6 comments:

Melissia said...

Alice,
I think it is more sane to be screaming after a dead baby and 3 miscarriages. I read your earlier post about going to the therapist, and you know it is working, if on some days you do feel like shit and are totally nonfunctional when you leave. I wish you all the best.

Hope said...

It's ok to scream fuck. It's ok to scream period. I think when you have 4 dead babies ( yes I count the miscarriages, they are babies as well ) You have every right to act crazy. This pain is too much. It hurts and we can't get rid of the pain.

Alice said...

Thanks for the messages. It helps to know that some people don't think I'm out of my mind!

Alice

Honey said...

I agree with 'Hope' utterly sane. In fact I'm betting there were a whole bunch of people hearing that wishing they could be so brave. Primal scream therapy anyone? Next time you go call me and I'll scream FUCK with you.
and as for hospitals I think the staff in this city are particularly nuts. Never had a sane hospital experience yet.
You are brave and stong and beautiful and you can also be scraed weak vulnerable and needy.
I offer hugs, tea and company screaming.
x

Daphne said...

It seems to me that you were entirely sane to scream - just pushed beyond the bounds of where anyone should be. I lost my first baby - born prematurely at six months - but I've been lucky and my daughter is now eighteen. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

Dizzy said...

I've been there with the dead babies, too, and the screaming, despite (and sometimes at) the subsequent live ones.
I have a friend who is currently fighting leukaemia for the third time. She is cheerful and friendly with the hospital staff and most of the rest of the world. However, she is also known to shout, swear and kick holes in the walls at times, too! Just because someone else seems to be handling it well one minute doesn't mean to say they won't be the next to have a total meltdown.
At least you're not admitting to landing a left hook on an obstetrician who made an inappropriate remark while you were in labour at 24 weeks...